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redirection: aloneamongfriends

| 2:44 AM |

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This is the last time.


Everything I am and all that I am feeling laid bare, one last time. It's all come to end now, life as I've known it for the past two years, people I've known for longer than that. So now I wonder, when do it is that you cross the line, between just wanted to be part of someone's life and becoming a nuisance. Simply put, she said "no". And "no" I can live with, I handle just being friends but what can't handle is knowing deep down, I'm unlikely to see her again, or almost everyone else for that matter. And I can't see how I'm to just keep in contact without my actions seeming to possess a possible double meaning. And is this fear that keeps me awake at night, trying almost to fill the hole in my heart from losing something that I never had. It's stupid that someone like me can just feel so low and down over something that never really existed. But sometimes we just invest too much of ourselves into a dream, or a fantasy and we get by with our lives clinging on to the faintest hope the somewhere along the way something will happen and fantasy will become reality. And when the time comes, when you finally realise that it will never be a reality, you're left empty, your thoughts spinning in circles haunting you keeping you awake at night. Times like this you know and feel as though you've really fallen, and you don't if how or if you even want to get up because you don't know how to move on from there, because you don't know if you have anything left to believe in. Maybe I came on too strong, too sudden and I hope I didn't cause any distress though I doubt that. Because when it comes to affairs of this nature, I'm a void with no idea of how to save myself. I always thought when the time came to put myself out there I would because it would be worth it, and told myself no regrets, but I was never prepared for what I'm feeling now. And true I have no regrets except the inability to remain in contact with everyone I know, her most of all. And I still believe that one day someone else will come along, and I will put myself out there again, and risk it all, risking feeling like this, because I still believe that I will find someone worth it.


You're beautiful...
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.
| 6:52 PM |

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Trepidation would be a good word to describe how I feel. I keep trying to just push thoughts of her away because it's all that easier this way. But I know when that night comes and goes, I'm gonna look wish that I tried, and hope to hell it won't be the last time I ever see her. Chances of me walking away from this to a happy ending are slim and it's probably gonna hurt. But I think, when it's all over, the pain will be nothing compared to the regret I'll feel, if I walk away without even trying. The regret and the constant wondering of what could've been. So now, I've just gotta steel myself for what's to come. There's no point talking about it, no point asking how this should be done. When push comes to shove, let's just hope I can be the person I think I am, do things my way and leave with something and no regrets. And if things don't go my way, find the courage to just walk away.




| 4:30 AM |

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I honestly believe my life would be better if you just left me alone to live it.
| 8:18 PM |

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abcdefucku

This is for no one to see, seriously get the fuck off my back! Why is there a need to comment on every fucking thing I do. "Why are you doing this? Why are you doing that?" Leave me the fuck alone alright, now it's my life to live, I fucking live it. Right now all I can fucking do is study, so maybe I look forward to my meals cause that's the only fucking break I get in a day, and even then they aren't that long and you gotta ruin even that for me. Seriously even when my life is normal it's the clothes I wear, the stuff I do. You think you know every fucking thing and you try to impose that on me, since I was a kid. Well now I have a mind of my own, and I'm fucking sick of it. You're self-righteous crap is seriously getting to me. Dammit can't you see I'm trying, I don't need you edging me on cause all you're doing is driving me into a corner and off a ledge. I'm not who you want me to be, I am who I am and I don't understand why I can't even be accepted for that in my own home...
| 7:54 PM |

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Dammit this is it. This should be all that's in my head now and all that's gonna be in it for the next 2 weeks and yet I can't keep everything else out. I realised most of my posts here are crap, except those that really matter and only I know which posts those are. Anyway I know what I gotta do now so there's no point putting it down in words anymore. I'm just waiting for it to all be over, everything, to do what I gotta do. Nothing to lose right? I can't let my daydreams get ahead of me on this one cause if it's one thing I know for sure now is that things don't always go the way you want them to. But that's no reason to stop giving in to hope, it's no reason to hold back and hide, cause one more thing I've learnt is that all that accomplishes is, nothing. And god knows how much more I could've been with a little bit more faith in myself and in others. Live life with less doubt, and more drive. We can only stay in the shadows for so long before we start to long for the light. When my chance comes I'm gonna take it, and hope to hell that this works out. But either way I won't regret it, not this time, no matter the outcome. Because there's nothing to lose, but everything to gain.
| 11:53 PM |

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No more camouflage I wanna be exposed, and not be afraid to fall
for you I will
| 5:40 PM |