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All this negativity, shouldn't be feeling this way this time of the year. There's no outlet, no avenue for me to release. You don't know that the more you tell me to do something the more you're driving me away. It isn't even clear to you that I don't rely on you anymore, and you think everything's still the same, you seem to think that everything's okay, you have no idea how much hate and resentment has built up inside me. I love you still yes, you're my mom I can't help but to love you. But i know now, it is possible to love and hate someone because evertime you say something to push me away, you take a little bit of my love and turn it into a little bit of hate. I don't think I'll ever stop loving you but there's gonna come a point when our relationship, mother and son, will break, shatter and we won't know what to say. And the worst part is I can't even come to you with my problems, can't even come to you with this because somehow with you everything gets twisted into my fault, it's happened before and I don't want it to happen again. I don't want to come to you with everything I'm feeling and go away shouldering all the blame. I know you mean well, but there just isn't that concept of space and trust with you, I know deep down, you just don't trust me to do the right thing, I don't know if you ever will and I want you to know so badly that it kills me inside everytime you remind me that you don't. Your withering glances, your small comments, I'm never the good son no matter what I do, I'm just the one that isn't doing enough. Why is it you can just accept others for all their faults whereas I just can't seem to be doing anything right. I'm so sick of this and I don't how much longer I can keep this in before it just explodes and I hurt everyone around me. I'm so afraid of that day coming and I'm so afraid that I'm dying little by little inside dreading the day. What's gonna happen, will I shut you out of my life or will I just stop trying? I don't know and I don't want to find out. And for all my mistakes I can't see myself not taking care of you when I'm older and you can't support yourself, for everything you think that you think I'm not I just can't see me abandoning you, not for the life of me because I have my principles. I guess in the end, what we've become, mother and son, just saddens me because you don't know how much you're hurting me and you don't know how much I want to try. In the end, just like how my dad loves his mom for all her faults, I will love you for all yours because that's the type of son I am, it's the kind of son I want to be. I just wish it were easier.
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