Everything I am and all that I am feeling laid bare, one last time. It's all come to end now, life as I've known it for the past two years, people I've known for longer than that. So now I wonder, when do it is that you cross the line, between just wanted to be part of someone's life and becoming a nuisance. Simply put, she said "no". And "no" I can live with, I handle just being friends but what can't handle is knowing deep down, I'm unlikely to see her again, or almost everyone else for that matter. And I can't see how I'm to just keep in contact without my actions seeming to possess a possible double meaning. And is this fear that keeps me awake at night, trying almost to fill the hole in my heart from losing something that I never had. It's stupid that someone like me can just feel so low and down over something that never really existed. But sometimes we just invest too much of ourselves into a dream, or a fantasy and we get by with our lives clinging on to the faintest hope the somewhere along the way something will happen and fantasy will become reality. And when the time comes, when you finally realise that it will never be a reality, you're left empty, your thoughts spinning in circles haunting you keeping you awake at night. Times like this you know and feel as though you've really fallen, and you don't if how or if you even want to get up because you don't know how to move on from there, because you don't know if you have anything left to believe in. Maybe I came on too strong, too sudden and I hope I didn't cause any distress though I doubt that. Because when it comes to affairs of this nature, I'm a void with no idea of how to save myself. I always thought when the time came to put myself out there I would because it would be worth it, and told myself no regrets, but I was never prepared for what I'm feeling now. And true I have no regrets except the inability to remain in contact with everyone I know, her most of all. And I still believe that one day someone else will come along, and I will put myself out there again, and risk it all, risking feeling like this, because I still believe that I will find someone worth it.
You're beautiful... But it's time to face the truth, I will never be with you. | 6:52 PM |